The end of April has not gone as expected. I was proud of all the workouts, the running, the yoga streak, and then not going to Zion at the last minute took the wind out of my sails. I know I’m going to get up and dust myself off, but I’ve taken some time off from Yoga Revolution and running. I’ve been cycling around Claremont, to and from work, and into town, but no running. The non-trip brought out some conflicts that have been threatening to rise to the surface for awhile, and they did with a vengeance. I’ve spent the time I got off work cycling around town, and catching up on TV shows. I thought about a half marathon in Long Beach, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

This hit hard in a long string of small, personal disappointments over the last few months. My ability to get weekends off may be compromised at my new job, which takes a few June races off the table for now as well. But, the important thing is that I did get a job! In the fitness field! After not working for a couple of months (and going completely up the wall), the independence feels like a godsend. Getting our own place is definitely in the foreseeable future, but now the question is where? Our jobs are on opposite ends from each other in that I work four miles from where we currently live and Mike works 45 miles away (with a three hour round-trip commute). Things that should have started to propel us forward make me feel like we’re at stand-still again. Stress levels activated.

Trying to be a ray of sunshine, or at least see it! Not easy, but necessary.

The good news is that I feel more and more comfortable on a bike everyday. I still get anxious riding with traffic, so it makes me feel better when Mike and I ride together to get a better, more confident stance on the road. Yesterday we road all over town, for coffee, beer, and groceries. But I still woke up at 3:30am will a pang of sadness and inability to go back to sleep. I know if I want to move forward it’s up to me to keep up with my own training, and try to find community out here in the Inland Empire. I have to keep upping the ante to get stronger, instead of complacent. Sometimes it feels like I’m so far out of the comfort zone, I don’t even know what it’s like to be comfortable anymore. Other times I feel like I’m just letting myself be mediocre because to strive for excellence would be scary and uncomfortable.

For me, right now, this all means more searching, more pushing my goals, more gratitude, more ease, more community, and more giving back.